Never Be Okay Again
by A Sirius Crush On Moony
Summary: After two years, Sirius and Regulus meet again and Sirius feels like there's something that Regulus isn't telling him. Sirius/Regulus incest


**Written for the 'Can You Make It To The End' challenge (write about your OTP at the Leaky Cauldron)**

 **Warnings for incest.**

* * *

 **Never Be Okay Again**

"I'll have a Firewhisky, please," Sirius said to the waiter at the Leaky Cauldron. "Actually, can I get two please?"

"You know we're closing up in twenty minutes?" the waiter said sympathetically. "If your date hasn't arrived by now, I don't think they're ever coming."

"It's not a date," Sirius snapped. "So can I get two?"

"Of course, coming right up."

Sirius sighed as the waiter walked away. He didn't want to believe that the man was right. He'd been anticipated this meeting for weeks now, but at the same time he was terrified. He wasn't sure what he would hear tonight, and in a way he hoped that Regulus wouldn't come to meet him.

The waiter brought the drinks back and Sirius took a drink. He watched the clock on the wall. Every second felt like an minute and every minute an hour. There were only ten minutes before the pub closed, and Sirius just wanted to go to bed. Just as he was about to get up and leave, he heard the door to the pub open and he snapped his head around almost instantly.

And there he was – Regulus. His younger brother. His ex-lover. The person he hadn't seen in two long years. He hadn't changed at all. Sirius raised his hand and Regulus noticed him.

When Regulus got to Sirius's table, he sat down and grabbed the glass of firewhisky.

"May I?" he asked.

"It's yours," Sirius said quietly, watching as Regulus gulped down the whole glass in only seconds.

"You _do_ know that's firewhisky, right?" Sirius asked.

Regulus nodded.

"You were supposed to get here two hours ago," Sirius said. Now that Regulus was closer to him, he could see that he _had_ changed. Regulus was thinner, he had more facial hair. His eyes looked tired – no, exhausted. He looked utterly drained.

"I… sorry… I lost track of time, I guess," Regulus replied. Sirius wasn't sure why but he had a feeling that Regulus was lying to him.

"Are you sure?" Sirius asked. "You were never the one to be late?"

Regulus sighed. "Look, I was scared."

"Scared of what?"

"I was scared to face _you_."

Sirius didn't understand. When had Regulus ever been scared to face him? They had always been comfortable around each other.

"Why?" he asked softly.

"Because you're never going to forgive me," Regulus said with panic in his voice. "I've done something… _really_ bad."

This didn't sound good. Sirius promised himself he'd be open-minded. He had called Regulus to meet him so that they could be brothers again. After everything that had happened, they had drifted apart which was understandable given the circumstances.

"You can tell me anything," Sirius said. "We might not be together like _that_ anymore but you're still my brother… my _friend_. You can trust me, Reg."

Sirius watched Regulus nod.

"Sirius… I…" Regulus looked around the empty pub and then leaned in closer to Sirius, lowering his voice to barely a whisper. "I joined him."

"You joined who?" Sirius whispered.

"Who do you _think_?" Regulus replied.

Sirius didn't want to believe it was true, but he knew – he'd always known that this would happen. This was the reason they had broken up, after all. Because Regulus had always been too scared to say no to their parents. He'd refused to say no when they arranged his marriage, and he'd refused to say no when they'd asked him to join Lord Voldemort. Sirius had suspected this, but it didn't make it hurt any less.

"And how is that going for you?" Sirius asked, keeping his promise to himself to remain open-minded. He knew that yelling at Regulus wouldn't change anything – it isn't like you can just quit being a Death Eater. Regulus's choice had already been made and there was no going back.

"It's crap," Regulus muttered. "I hate it."

"Well, no surprise there," Sirius couldn't help himself saying. "How many people have you killed?"

Regulus seemed to take offence at this. "What sort of question is that!?"

"Well I thought that was what Death Eaters did?"

"Keep your voice down, Sirius," Regulus hissed. "I haven't killed anyone. I… don't think I ever could…"

Sirius smiled sadly. "That's not good. I mean, it's good. But not if you're going to be, you know…" he lowered his voice. "A Death Eater. It's kill or be killed, right?"

"You're so comforting," Regulus said.

"How's your wife?" Sirius practically spat. He was still bitter about the topic considering they had to break up over it.

Regulus shifted in his seat. "I haven't been home in weeks, so I don't know."

"Sorry I never made it to your wedding by the way," Sirius said. "I don't think Mum and Dad would have wanted me there… plus the thought of going made me want to vomit."

"Sirius, please—"

"—Do you love her?" Sirius asked.

"No," Regulus replied. "I can't stand her, actually. But what can I do?"

Sirius sighed. He was angry at Regulus, sure, but he also felt sorry for him. Regulus had never had the sort of courage that Sirius had. It came so easily to Sirius so he found it hard to understand how Regulus must feel.

"I'm sorry," Sirius said. "I'm just… you know… it's not fair. I feel cheated."

"Me too."

"We were supposed to be together," Sirius said sadly. "We loved each other. We were perfect."

"I know, Sirius," Regulus replied. "I think about it every day."

They stared at each other for a moment and nobody spoke. Sirius glanced at the time. Surely the pub was about to close, but he wasn't finished his conversation.

"Stay tonight. In the Leaky Cauldron. We'll get a room."

"Okay," Regulus said, much to Sirius's surprise.

"Okay," Sirius repeated, standing up. They headed to the bar to go and speak to the man about getting a room.

* * *

The room was small, with one double bed. Obviously the man didn't believe Sirius when he said it wasn't a date. He glanced nervously at Regulus, who seemed unfazed by the double bed.

Regulus started to undress, and Sirius averted his eyes. He wasn't sure where this was going, but he knew he shouldn't do anything he'd regret.

"It's nothing you haven't seen before, Sirius," Regulus said. Sirius glanced at him, and he couldn't help but feel those things he used to feel when they were together. And then he saw it – the Dark Mark on Regulus's left forearm. He wished he hadn't seen it.

Regulus seemed to notice, and instinctively tried to hide it from Sirius's view.

"It's nothing," Regulus murmured. "Just a mark."

"It's more than that and you know it," Sirius said.

"Just forget you saw it," Regulus said. "We're here… together… and I've missed you."

"Reg. I asked to see you because I wanted to be friends…"

Regulus didn't seem to be listening. He reached for the hem of Sirius's shirt and pulled it up over his head, taking it off and tossing it to the floor.

"Reg," Sirius whispered. "We can't."

"Why not?" Regulus asked, unbuckling Sirius's belt and then pulling his trousers off. Sirius stepped out of them, despite his objections.

"You're married…"

"Don't care," Regulus mumbled, running his hands over Sirius's bare chest. "I want _you_. I have ever since… ever since I can remember. Don't you want me too?"

"I do, but—"

"—Then stop worrying and just be with me," Regulus said softly. He put his arms around Sirius's neck, pressing their bare chests together, and leaving a trail of kisses down Sirius's jaw.

Sirius's wanted to say no, he really did… but truth be told, he'd missed this so much. He had never thought they'd get a chance to do this again, but here Regulus was practically begging him.

"We can talk about this… you don't have to be with your wife if you don't want to," Sirius said, trying not to groan at how good Regulus was making him feel with his touches and his kisses.

"I need you _now_ ," Regulus said.

"Why _now_?"

"Because I don't know if there will _be_ a next time," Regulus said harshly, stepping back and looking upset.

"What do you mean?" Sirius asked worriedly. "Are you in danger or something?"

"No, I'm not – I'm just… it doesn't matter," Regulus muttered.

"It matters to _me_ ," Sirius whispered, stepping towards him and brushing his cheek with the back of his hand.

"Look, can we just enjoy this moment?" Regulus asked. Sirius could see that he was struggling with something, and he had a horrible feeling that this could be the last time he was going to see him. Had Regulus done something to make Voldemort angry? Was he coming for him?

"Sirius?" Regulus said quietly.

"I'm sorry," Sirius replied. They stood for a moment, but then Sirius couldn't help pulling Regulus into a tight hug. He felt Regulus relax against him and Sirius wrapped his arms around him even tighter, never wanting to let go. "I love you so much, Reg."

"I love you, too," Regulus whispered. "No matter what happens, please know that."

"I promise," Sirius said. He couldn't help but think that this felt like a goodbye. They pulled apart and Sirius took Regulus's hand and led him towards the bed.

"Come on," Sirius said softly, smiling at Regulus. "I want you."

"You do?" Regulus asked, smiling properly for the first time this evening.

"I do," Sirius said. "Let me show you how much I want you."

"Okay," Regulus murmured, climbing into the bed with him.

* * *

When Sirius woke up in the morning, Regulus's side of the bed was empty. Regulus was gone – Sirius knew that. A sudden shiver seemed to run over Sirius's body, and his chest felt hollow. He was never going to see Regulus again. He wasn't sure how he knew, but he knew.

Sirius didn't think he'd ever feel okay again.

 **xXx**


End file.
